Stuffie Warfare

This was written about two months after the original island posts, in January 2011...

New terrors are threatening the island!  This no longer feels like an ordinary Survivor episode…  Have we been bumped over to Fear Factor?  Is this some sort of crazy merging of shows?  Have the network execs yet to learn that combo shows are never the answer?

Large and Medium Native have teamed up in a most terrifying way.  Last night while I was away from the island (only for an hour, I swear!), the Chief was bathing Small Native and kept hearing loud and disturbing noises from the larger natives’ room.  When they emerged a short time later, all smiles, he asked what they were playing.  Without batting an eye, Large Native explained that their Stuffies (stuffed animals) had been very naughty.  The Stuffies hid Medium Native’s new baby doll, so they were all receiving punishment.

“Stuffies”?  What is that, British?  “Punishment”?  We never even use that word in our house!  (We prefer the euphemism “consequence.”)  Where have the natives learned this behavior?  Are they secretly being transported to another household during the night?  And if so, isn’t it about time that their other family started contributing to the food budget around here?

It only gets worse…  It turns out that “punishing the Stuffies” involves kicking them, punching them, throwing them against walls, and generally breaking their spirits.  And the natives do this with much glee.

Our initial reaction was to play this low-key, and hope that a new game is found soon.  That decision grew very difficult this morning as I was trying to get all of the natives ready to leave for school.  Large Native, a very sweet, beautiful, compassionate little thing when the island does not have hold of her, looks at Medium Native with an oatmeal box in her hands and says “This food is for the Stuffies who didn’t hide the baby.  The others just get punished!”  and “Don’t punish the Stuffies without me!  Let me help punish them and wait until after school.”  I am concerned we are in violation of the Geneva Convention.

I fear that some strange island phenomenon is causing this sociopathic behavior.  Is it a virus?  Something in the water?  Tainted food?  Small Native seems generally unaffected, although on second thought, he did throw his stuffed animal out of the car in a parking lot the other day…was he trying to land it under the wheels?  Only one other thought occurs to me, and it is no less terrifying…what if the Stuffies really are naughty, and are committing their own atrocities when no one is looking?  What if the natives are really on our side, and are the only thing standing between us and Stuffie warfare? 

Only two things are certain:  The Chief is right when he says that kindergarten justice is terrifying.  And we will both be sleeping with one eye open tonight.