Some days I feel like I’m trapped in a
Choose Your Own Adventure book. Remember
those? Remember how much fun they
were? Wait a minute…didn’t most of the
endings turn out badly?
Chapter One
7:58am – You have two minutes until you must throw shoes on
your toddler and leave the house, all three children in tow, to drop the oldest
at school. Do you: A) leave two minutes
early? – or
– B) spend two minutes brushing your hair and otherwise trying to
look presentable?
YOU CHOOSE “B”
At 8:00am you run to get your toddler’s shoes on, and
discover that he has massively pooped out of his diaper. He now requires a full outfit change. His mess also extends to the changing
pad. The rancid smell permeates the
entire house. You clean him up, throw
the soiled linens straight into the washer (along with the sheets he peed out
on during the night), and head out the door.
You are now eight minutes late and must run all the way to school. The run caused your hair to become even more unruly than when you started the morning.
Chapter Two
8:30am – You stop by the grocery store with a short list of
only five items to get and only 15 minutes to accomplish it before your next
appointment. Boys in tow, you quickly
throw the items into your reusable shopping bags and dash to the checkout. You discover that the express lane is not
open for the first time in the history of the store. There is a regular checkout with 3-4 people
in line. There is also a self-check with
five stations and no one ahead of you in line.
Do you: A) go to the family friendly checkout to let someone else juggle
the groceries – or – B) go to the self-check in hopes of saving time?
YOU CHOOSE “B”
You quickly find an open spot at the self-check, only to
realize that most of your items are from the produce section, and require you
to painstakingly look up codes on the touch screen. You have trouble keeping your reusable bags
centered on the bagging area so that the computer knows that you are not
stealing items. You finally get through
paying for the items, and as you are struggling to gather up your bags and
receipt, you are painfully aware that the next customer is waiting two inches
behind you. You get everything together
and then have to back the stroller out of the crowded area, taking much effort
to not bump into the person behind you, who it turns out is, in fact, a nun. You leave, now late for your next stop.
Chapter Three
1:25pm – You have just finished putting away several loads of laundry, and are late getting the boys to nap. You go to find your toddler, who was last
seen playing quietly in his brother’s room.
Upon opening to door to the room, you are greeted with the following
sight:
Do you: A) take a moment to take a picture and call your
husband from his backyard office to come see? – or – B) immediately start the
cleanup process, as naptime is running dangerously late.
YOU CHOOSE “A”
You call your hubby, who greets you with the news that he
will not be able to pick your daughter up from school today. (He does, however, come in and take a brief
pass at cleaning the wall.) By the time your toddler is cleaned up, you
will now have less than an hour of naptime.
You also discover that the marker, (left out by an older child), is not
a nice washable marker, but in fact a super-cheap marker acquired at some point
for a birthday prize. You get out a
washcloth and scrub your toddler with little result. You spray everything affected with stain
remover and toss it in the washer (after you move the morning’s load of soiled clothes
out), and hope for the best. You mentally
rebuke yourself for having chosen the super-cheap birthday prize over a more
expensive, washable option in some previous book.
Chapter Four
2:50pm – You have to pick your oldest child up from school
in ten minutes. Do you: A) leave your
toddler home alone (he’s asleep in his bed…he’ll never know you were gone), B)
leave your daughter at school for an extra hour until your toddler wakes on his
own,
– or – C) wake your toddler and take
him with you?
YOU CHOOSE “C”
You have avoided abandoning either of your children...whew! However, waking your toddler early sets him up for an afternoon of tantrums; he goes off like a bomb at the slightest upset for the next five hours
straight. Your older son becomes sulky and demanding. Your daughter scolds you from the moment you pick her up, blaming you for never teaching her softball and not making her practice for her upcoming school play (???). Within a few short hours you become certifiably
insane. You spend the rest of your life
trapped in an asylum with only a blog to keep you company.
