Choose Your Own Adventure (with photo illustrations!)

Some days I feel like I’m trapped in a Choose Your Own Adventure book.  Remember those?  Remember how much fun they were?  Wait a minute…didn’t most of the endings turn out badly?

Chapter One

7:58am – You have two minutes until you must throw shoes on your toddler and leave the house, all three children in tow, to drop the oldest at school.  Do you: A) leave two minutes early? – or  –  B) spend two minutes brushing your hair and otherwise trying to look presentable?

YOU CHOOSE “B”

At 8:00am you run to get your toddler’s shoes on, and discover that he has massively pooped out of his diaper.  He now requires a full outfit change.  His mess also extends to the changing pad.  The rancid smell permeates the entire house.  You clean him up, throw the soiled linens straight into the washer (along with the sheets he peed out on during the night), and head out the door.  You are now eight minutes late and must run all the way to school.  The run caused your hair to become even more unruly than when you started the morning.

Chapter Two

8:30am – You stop by the grocery store with a short list of only five items to get and only 15 minutes to accomplish it before your next appointment.  Boys in tow, you quickly throw the items into your reusable shopping bags and dash to the checkout.  You discover that the express lane is not open for the first time in the history of the store.  There is a regular checkout with 3-4 people in line.  There is also a self-check with five stations and no one ahead of you in line.  Do you: A) go to the family friendly checkout to let someone else juggle the groceries – or – B) go to the self-check in hopes of saving time?

YOU CHOOSE “B”

You quickly find an open spot at the self-check, only to realize that most of your items are from the produce section, and require you to painstakingly look up codes on the touch screen.  You have trouble keeping your reusable bags centered on the bagging area so that the computer knows that you are not stealing items.  You finally get through paying for the items, and as you are struggling to gather up your bags and receipt, you are painfully aware that the next customer is waiting two inches behind you.  You get everything together and then have to back the stroller out of the crowded area, taking much effort to not bump into the person behind you, who it turns out is, in fact, a nun.  You leave, now late for your next stop.

Chapter Three

1:25pm – You have just finished putting away several loads of laundry, and are late getting the boys to nap.  You go to find your toddler, who was last seen playing quietly in his brother’s room.  Upon opening to door to the room, you are greeted with the following sight:

Do you: A) take a moment to take a picture and call your husband from his backyard office to come see? – or – B) immediately start the cleanup process, as naptime is running dangerously late.

YOU CHOOSE “A”

You call your hubby, who greets you with the news that he will not be able to pick your daughter up from school today.  (He does, however, come in and take a brief pass at cleaning the wall.)   By the time your toddler is cleaned up, you will now have less than an hour of naptime.  You also discover that the marker, (left out by an older child), is not a nice washable marker, but in fact a super-cheap marker acquired at some point for a birthday prize.  You get out a washcloth and scrub your toddler with little result.  You spray everything affected with stain remover and toss it in the washer (after you move the morning’s load of soiled clothes out), and hope for the best.  You mentally rebuke yourself for having chosen the super-cheap birthday prize over a more expensive, washable option in some previous book.

Chapter Four

2:50pm – You have to pick your oldest child up from school in ten minutes.  Do you: A) leave your toddler home alone (he’s asleep in his bed…he’ll never know you were gone), B) leave your daughter at school for an extra hour until your toddler wakes on his own,  –  or – C) wake your toddler and take him with you?

YOU CHOOSE “C”

You have avoided abandoning either of your children...whew!  However, waking your toddler early sets him up for an afternoon of tantrums; he goes off like a bomb at the slightest upset for the next five hours straight.  Your older son becomes sulky and demanding.  Your daughter scolds you from the moment you pick her up, blaming you for never teaching her softball and not making her practice for her upcoming school play (???).  Within a few short hours you become certifiably insane.  You spend the rest of your life trapped in an asylum with only a blog to keep you company.